WHY MILEY WHYYYYYY

For context: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-bTWk3IHoU
Hide your children. Show them the Honi vagina cover if they need entertainment.

I’d like to start by thanking the VMAs for setting women back fifty, a hundred, a bajillion years, and shattering the tiny little piece of faith in humanity I was saving for the winter.

So three things I want to cover, because structure is important guyzzz. Firstly, what the fuck Miley? Secondly, what the fuck VMAs? Thirdly, what the fuck society?[1] And I guess somewhere in there I’ll talk about my favourite top bloke, bestie Sensitive New Age Guy SNAG Robin Thicke and his giant penis.

So to Miley. I’m not entirely sure how much of my rage/blame you really get. My anger with this little… shall we say, spectacular clusterfuck, can’t really be put on you. It can only really be put on the culture that inspired and influenced and pressured and shaped you to choreograph/participate in something this truly, truly awful. But I think maybe I can treat you as a little bit of grown up and say… you’re in the public eye. Girls have liked you since you were Hannah Montana, the most hilariously clean child star since…Hannah Montana. And you’ve made a lot of money from it. Is it plausible that maybe you owe something back to the people that gave you all that cashmonies and pouvoir? Like not telling girls that us ladies are just lovely little sex toy receptacles, consisting of tits, and ass, and...that would appear to be it.

And I’m not saying this means that as you grown up you have to be squeaky clean. As we know, that doesn’t work. I was super uncomfortable when Hilary Duff got pregnant, in my head it was like ‘Holy shit Lizzy got knocked up by Ethan Craft after ninth grade gym, that is messsssed’. And she’s the queen bee of asexual creepily forever young child stars. It seems you’re either Lizzy forever or you’re LiLo and there is a perpetual supply of cocaine residue dribbling from your nostril into your mouth.

By all means, Miley, have a sex life. By all means, be seen with various mancandy and whatnot and make your choices and wear what you like. But… just… seriously keep a lid on your crazy, because girls will scream with joy no matter what you do, whether it’s doing intra-venus drugs on a public street or lower your bent over, gyrating ass onto Robin Thicke’s crotch, with an outstretched, wiggling tongue, in front of millions of people. Even Rihanna judged you, and she bedazzles her nipples. Not that there's anything wrong with bedazzling your nipples. I'm sure it hurts to get the glitter off though. Logistics and that. 

I’m trying to walk a line here between being judgmental and being like, ‘good for you’. I think she’s been conditioned since she was a little baby Honeybooboochild but at the same time, I want to blame her a little bit. I don’t want to say she doesn’t have any agency, because that would be just as insulting (and perhaps more depressing) as saying she’s a worse role model than Darth Vader.

What’s kind of depressing here is that I’m having trouble figuring out what exactly is wrong with the bizarre portrait of female sexuality she’s tried to paint. First she came out in a leotard onto a stage filled with childhood toys which was….sexy? It was especially arousing when she tried to dance, but seemed to be having some combination of seizure and simultaneously manifesting an inner ear disorder. There was a lot of spontaneous pelvic thrusting, not quite in time with the music, but points for effort I guess. Then she ripped off the leotard, which apparently was too conservative and nanna-ish, to reveal a super sexy pair of skin coloured granny panties, to grind onto Robin Thicke, in front of his wife and her fiancé. Call me conservative but it just seemed like a recipe for like… mad awks?

I suppose… what I find degrading about it is… two things. First of all, that’s her job. To rub her ass on the crotch of a much older man she doesn’t know, in front of millions of people. Second of all… she seemed so into it. So truly, deeply into it. I guess… a feminist would be like, ‘If she’s into it, it’s her choice, and we shouldn’t judge her for it.’ And maybe I don’t judge her. I think it just looks scarily like really, really fucked up indoctrination to enjoy the attention, and to enjoy that accomplishment of being the most exposed sex object of all. Hurrah, I am queen of all the lands! My pelvic thrusting reigns supreme!

(The whole combination of tragic dancing, weak singing, harmful lyrics and mindless glowstick waving fandroids was truly sickening. These people vote. Well at least...they will once they exit puberty.)

Also I guess… the fact that a lady who lots of young girls and women look up to aligned herself with a song and video that condones rape and trivialises sexual brutality is also something I find to be empirically fucked. That’s why her being so into it is offensive. It says she enjoys being degraded, she doesn’t think consent matters, or she didn’t bother to think about the lyrics. Lyrics such as the beautiful ‘I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two.’ By grinding said ass up against the noted #Thicke phallus while he sings such lyrics… well, I don’t think you could get any more complicit than that.

Just in case it wasn’t clear (and it’s not, considering this piece of musical offal is still topping the charts), most women don’t enjoy their perineum/anuses getting ripped during sex.

That’s OK though. What we want doesn’t actually matter. Feel free to ignore.

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[1] Got to the end and realised there was no structure. Just like everything I write. WHATEVSSS